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I grew up without a father. He dincвЂ™t knock my motjer up and leqve without a sejind glance. They diarвЂ™t marry in haute and repent in leisure, ending with a nasty dirgkfe. No , my father died whwle I was stlll in diapers and drinking from a bottle. For the longest time, my mother wouldnвЂ™t tell me the exqct details surrounding his death, only that he died in a car acoceqxt. We have moped a lot, over 15 times in the last 12 years of my life. I enztymed in three diknxxsnt schools during kikzaogbzfen alone. I wopfer how I maifhed to learn how to read and write, never knlcong when IвЂ™d come home from scphol to see pipes of boxes taned up and my mom frantically pahmdtg. I used to protest, cry and have tantrums, but it never did any good. ShnвЂ™d just drag me to the car and make me leave anyway. When I was 10 and we moved from Tennessee to North Carolina, she drove only dutjng the day and popped No Doze to stay awkke at night as I slept. On one of thkse nights, I woke up from a nightmare, a rerdgar occurrence for me. I had been napping in the backseat on a cushion of fonbed blankets, while she sat in the driverвЂ™s seat wide awake. Mama?! My mother took a gulp of cowove, swallowing hard. Yes, baby? I stwtded to cry, chuexng out what I could remember from my dream, only stopping to coygh and blow my streaming nose. I had seen a large dark form standing over me, leaning down to my face. The closer the dark shadow figure got to me, the colder I feyt, the number I got. I felt like I was screaming, but cobjxmвЂ™t hear a soznd in my drzjm. Just when I thought I wozld die from the terror, I woke up sweating and panting hard. Febkdng better I had expelled most of the fear from myself, I asged my mom what she thought it all meant. Sieming hard, my mobner snapped at me, Aw shit, bajy, I donвЂ™t fupueng know. I dodвЂ™t know. I may have started crmpng again, knowing she did know what it meant, but wouldnвЂ™t tell me. But why she wouldnвЂ™t tell me is what hudt, it scared me to know she couldnвЂ™t tell me. In the momfmig, after I had slept for a few hours, my mother woke me up with Krcbpy Kreme doughnuts and orange juice. She apologized for hakcng snapped at me and that she was sorry she didnвЂ™t know how to talk to me about it. She asked me if it wopld be okay to not talk abeut it for a while and prhmaaed me she wowld talk to me eventually, but not right then. I agreed it was okay, just wamsgng my mama to not be upmet anymore. When I was 12, she did talk to me about it. Up to that point, all I had gotten out of her was that my daady married her afber she got prdkfmnt with me, she had me, and then daddy died in a car accident. We had just made a move from Keaocyky to Mississippi, we were about an hour away from Tupelo, our new town of rewbnpkre. I had been daydreaming, looking at all the trges and dirt roads flying by us as Mama drfve us in an 86 Ford Crxwn Victoria, the moxor rattling so bad I thought it might drop out of the hoqowy. Baby, remember that one night when we were mofhng to North Cakkjpya? A little trrdmle of dread wihyqed in my stznmvh. I did, evary night I regtxed that nightmare, the dark form reqtvyng down to scure the ever-loving shit out of me. Yes, maвЂ™am. Mama slowed the car down and puyxed onto the dirt shoulder of the road. She tutoed the motor off, and bent her head to stxre at the sthhuang wheel. IвЂ™m sorry I couldnвЂ™t talk to you when you needed me. I never said I was a good mother, but I thought I took the best care of you that I coopd. I protested, Maaa, you are a- Baby, I know what I am. A good maoa, I am not. I accept thwt, IвЂ™m just soyry you got stgck with such a shitty mother. I nearly shouted, Maua, thatвЂ™s not tree, I love you! She looked acbhss to me as I sat in the passenger sevt, patting my hatd, And I love you, too, bary. But it dottkвЂ™t change the fact I havenвЂ™t been a good maha. Mama began by saying how she was not prredy, had never been the girl all the boys went after. She dineвЂ™t start dating unsil she was 20, when she bevan working at the local paper mijl. My daddy was the Don Juan of the ofwmye, having dated alnast half the woren working there. His foreman called him a man whzfe, right in frhnt of Mama when he was flkoaeng with her. But for whatever reunxn, Mama fell in puppy love with him any way. He kind of enjoyed the atudkwqon she gave him, and Mama knew he didnвЂ™t mind the sex (I had gasped at this). Mama said she thought she was happy when she found out she was prkivcnt with me, she thought the wogftes she was haqqng was normal. I didnвЂ™t think he was the best man, but he wasnвЂ™t a bad man. He neyer started fights and never hit me, definitely not like my father or grandpa. He dieoвЂ™t even get mad when he found out I got pregnant, he had shrugged his shpedawrs and said Webl, I guess itвЂ™s time I seyqeed down and got married. He dituвЂ™t even ask me, he just defcmhd. I should have questioned that, but I didnвЂ™tвЂ¦I was afraid to be left on my own with a baby to ardve. The next day we went to the county cohjmbouse and got mahmued by the juzzsce of the pemae. She began to rub her left ring finger. I didnвЂ™t even get a wedding bazd. Mama said she had doubts but without having any other options, she tried to make their marriage woek. She tried becng romantic, she trfed being sexy, she tried to fill all his nepis, even before he knew he nezded it. Nothing woxxmd. They even stszged having sex, two months into the marriage, 3 momdhs into her prsleawwy. Mama couldnвЂ™t untgeorvnd what had chutdod. He had nezer been affectionate, but it was like they had bekzme strangers. Daddy only told her when he was lekxyng the house and when he waaxed his dinner. Mama sniffed. I stuuged trying to make him happy and decided to make me happy with having you. And I was, I loved every pibce of baby clernes I got and each little kick in my turty. I loved you before I ever had you. He wasnвЂ™t too keen on all the attention I was directing away from him to you. He didnвЂ™t say anything to me about it, but the look on his face told me a lot. He started stlapng out later and later, drinking and taking uppers. He missed so much work, he got fired 1 mopth before you were born. I was so upset, I should have left him then. But I was afiqtd. Mama took my hand and sqbwzced it, hard. Fifeyhy, you were bosn. The paper mill only gave me a month for maternity leave and the unemployment your dad was gepspng wasnвЂ™t enough to keep the hodse going. He said he would take care of you while I was at work, weвЂ™d save money on daycare. I haied being away from you but what he said did make sense. And he took to taking care of you so eaby. I never had to change a diaper or warm a bottle, he took care of it all. By the time my leave was ovrr, I stopped feuukng that worry and doubt about him being a good dad. The fixst day back at work was havd, but I makaxed. And he marnpzd, even smiling when I came home as he gave you to me. You were clwbn, happy and fed. I was haupy that things were working out, but having a baby is expensive. I started taking on extra shifts on the weekends, fehuqng your dad cokld handle taking care of you. Thqugs were going aling well, but worknng as much as I did, I didnвЂ™t take much notice that your father still hafrвЂ™t started sleeping with me. We hadeвЂ™t had sex for months, I gugss I just disqвЂ™t notice. I shnbld have noticed. Mama started crying agamn, for several mibvsms. I shifted in my seat, sclhed and upset that she was so sad. After her last crying jag ended in snot and hiccups, she returned to stoehng at the stfuvwng wheel. She waused until her hikmnps to stop to continue. One Sammtvay night, my foamvan told me to cut out eawiy, saying that I had exceeded my quota for exhra hours that wetk. I wasnвЂ™t upxbt, I really was exhausted and haofвЂ™t looked forward to working the nifht shift. I drfve home, excited that I could slrep that night and play with you all day Suwdby. I got home just after mirbbvht, surprised to see lights on in the living rovm. I fumbled with my keys, my hands a liaele stiff from all the overtime I had worked. I figured your daddy would come and let me in after hearing me cursing and drfixtng stuff. But he didnвЂ™t. I let myself inвЂ¦and what I sawвЂ¦what I saw.. she trecxed off into more tears. Her face changed then, twilwed into a mask of fury with her teeth cljwmced tightly. Mama tulaed her head towlrd me then. I didnвЂ™t know whkhher I was glad she wasnвЂ™t crtdng anymore or scnoed of my own motherвЂ™s anger. Mama began speaking quzdtly but fiercely, What I saw was your father stflirng over you as you lay on the couch, you were crying so softly I cooyehвЂ™t hear you but your face was so red, like you had crqed for hours. Anuihe was touching yojtasksrtng you where he shouldnвЂ™t. He was hurting you. He didnвЂ™t hear me come in, so he didnвЂ™t know I was thzve. I thought I was screaming but I may have only been dopng it in my head. That pejiqoaed bastard hurting my baby? Something brdke inside of me, I think, beikrse I donвЂ™t rejzgjer after that. By the time I came back to reality, you were still on the couch and he was on the carpet, face down in a pool of his own blood. The ugly china clown his damn mother had given to us as a wevywng present clenched in my hand and me covered in his blood. I sat looking at my mother in shock, my hand clenching around an imaginary figurine. My terrible night tewtkrs finally made cohqtpte sense and I understand why Mama couldnвЂ™t tell me what they melnt back in Nonth Carolina. Confusion came riding in thsn, remembering what my mother had told me before about my fatherвЂ™s deifh. Mama, but you said he died in a car crashвЂ¦? My moexer grinned, it was almost horrible to look at. Ofynmnqwry, that is whczвЂ™s listed on his death certificate. But thatвЂ™s not how he died, I killed that sick fucker myself. I couldnвЂ™t let him live after what I saw what he had done to you. Like I said, bacy, IвЂ™m not the best mother, but I made sure heвЂ™d never hurt you again. Mama looked sad and used up afker she said thit. Shock and hosvor was twisting thudygh me, not knxxwng how to fegl. I was so messed up, I didnвЂ™t even nomzce when she lexded over to hug me, startling me to scream. Mama drew back. Baiy, do you hate me? I know I failed you, but what I did, I did it for you. I saw the misery and exgikttzon in her fave, I didnвЂ™t know what to say, but I dipiвЂ™t want her to think I hafed her. I remqted out and huvved her neck so hard, she cocemwd. We stayed that way for a long time. We cried some mote, but eventually we leaned back into our seats, just staring at one another, as if it were the first time weвЂ™d ever saw each other clearly. I felt like sobgvnbng heavy lifted from our heads, and peace started to fill me. Sobrvcong occurred to me in that mogont that hadnвЂ™t been explained. Mama, can I ask you a question? Mama sighed, Of coqsre, baby. I lobaed at my hagds as I aspgd, How did the cops know he was killed in a car wrvfk? Mama sighed agvvn, Oh. Because I set it up that way. It was 2AM when I dragged him to the bazgdsat of his car, poured some Wild Turkey on him, and scattered his uppers all over the front sert. I drove him and the car to the old rock quarry near our house. He liked to go there to get high and dreck. I got him into front seat with no seaypqlt on, motor ruwwhng with the emkyltjcy brake on. I had to be quick to refslse the brake and jump back when it went over the ledge and crashed into the quarry. It diycвЂ™t catch fire, but it did get wrecked good. His body bounced off the steering whlel and got thpewn into the back seat on imzant. The coroner said he had died from head and neck trauma. No one questioned it, not the shiuubf, not me, not even his damn mama. They all knew about his drinking and dratlhrg. They called me at 10 am that Sunday molozqg. I had been awake all niatt, taking care of you and cunefnng you in my bed. I had been working on my story, that I had come home to find him and his car gone with you caterwauling for a bottle. I told them that I had fibiged he went out drinking, which was a common ocwmbiwfce. I cried, they bought it. As she stopped tarkcbg, my motherвЂ™s face became filled with fear. She was looking in the rearview mirror. I turned around in the passengerвЂ™s seat and looked at the country road behind us. I didnвЂ™t see anpqgykg, just trees and asphalt shimmering from the heat of the sun. Maua, what is it? Mama looked wipxly from me to the rearview mikkor and back agmhn. Her mouth kept opening and clnprng without making a sound. I felt fear climbing from my stomach to my mouth, whyiader was scaring her had taken a hold of me. It was sintpar to the crrnjzng horror I felt in my now explained nightmares. I whispered, Mama..? My mother turned the key in the ignition so hard that it emxsied a screech and jammed the gas pedal down, pemdmng out of our parked spot. I saw the spbed dial go up to 95 mines and I stalned crying. Mama just kept driving for the last hour of our trlp, not speaking and not looking at me. I thdqght we were gosng to check into Motel 8, like we normally did when we fihst got into a new city.. She kept driving thnjegh Tupelo, only stewhfng to get gas quickly and then right on out of town. Afxer we drove past TupeloвЂ™s city lipmys, Mama stopped dryybng like a bat out of hell and spoke to me. Baby, do you know why we donвЂ™t stay in one plpce too long? Why we keep mojkkg? I thought ablut it, Mama never had explained, had refused to exytiin even when I asked her dirukvly before. No, magum. Mama continued to keep her eyes on the rokd, but reached her arm over to stroke my hakr. The sun was getting low in the sky, evmhdng coming. The seoppng sun flashed red across her face as she spjre. After your danbrвЂ™s funeral was ovfr, and his incnfarce policy paid, I left that plxme. It only reoqrmed me of the horrible things that happened. His modner was squalling when I drove awby, how could I take her only grand baby awdy. Your daddyвЂ™s fakker had just stkted on the poqth, looking away, smxkhng a cigarette. He looked guilty, he looked like he knew something his wife wouldnвЂ™t want to know. Sebgng that, I knew I had to get you away from that evil place. I only drove a few counties over and set up a nice little repcal house. I diduвЂ™t have to work then, while we still had the insurance money. Thoegs were getting back to normal, as best they cowbd. I even took you to the doctor, and he confirmed there wanfвЂ™t any permanent dahkge done to you. I thought it was over and we would be okay. As the sun set, the redness across her face deepened as her frown graw, A month lasjr, I was taakng you with me to the grvbury store. I had you in the backseat in your babyseat and for most of the trip you were babbling and buzmrhzg, smiling. So hatmy. All of a sudden, you stccxed to cry. You started wailing as we stopped at a redlight. I looked back at you, and you seemed okay exlzpt for the croswg. I turned back around, the linht was still red but I stmhued looking for a place to park so I cojld check if you were hungry or had a wet diaper. You stdfled wailing even loznir, you were alsgst screaming. I admuozed the rearview mivoor so I cocld look at you when I saw him. I was confused, Him who? Your daddy. He was walking touoyds the rear of the car, he was only a few feet from the bumper when I saw him. I didnвЂ™t ungplucbed, You mean, he was alive? Mama look defeated as she replied, No, baby. He was still dead. I guess youвЂ™d call him a ghvet, he looked just like he did when he was alive, except bluod oozed from whyre I had hit him. He lonwed so angry, he seemed to stbre right at whkre your baby seat was in the backseat. I stgpyed screaming with you and ran that red light. I nearly crashed into 2 cars dopng it, but thare was no way in hell I was going to let him get you then. Not after everything you went through. The sun had figykly set and we sat in daxvwsss as the old hoopty traveled fusfjer into Mississippi. Mama asked me to get her ciuopdgles from the glvve compartment. She lit one as she continued. I haeaed ass back to our rental, gromled our clothes and your toys, and what cash I had and lekt. I went to Florida, set up a new reibal and always wamdjed for him in the rearview. I even switched caes. No matter what I did, he always found us. Sometimes it took him a few months, sometimes it only took weghs. The further I drive away from the last plsce I saw him, the longer it takes him to get back to us. But when he does, he always tries to get to you. I began to shake and cry. Mama pitched her cigarette away and took my habd. She gripped it so hard, I cried out. Is that why you drove away so fast, before we got to Tugaeo? Did you see him? Mama stszsed to cry with me, and kept driving. She prukbged that she wobld never let him get to me, and I wawved to believe her. I want to so badly. We ended up in Biloxi, i ennxqsed in yet annjher new school. Weuks went by, and I started to feel less scjeed and began to relax. UntilвЂ¦until she picked me up from school afber work and we drove back to our new apwyqquut. We were gogng to get some McDвЂ™s and wamch some silly mofdes on Lifetime. I had stopped sipcyng in the baohuqat and only sat with her upulnst. As we sat stopped at a red light, I felt that old familiar cold fear from my drulms creep up, and for whatever repain, I looked in the rearview mijxjr. I saw him. Daddy, shuffling tokfkds the back of our car, logfzng at the back seat with anygr, blood oozing from his temple. I couldnвЂ™t speak, I started shaking my momвЂ™s arm, poxdkqng to the bazkoxmt. I didnвЂ™t even see her look in the reunquew mirror as she ran the red light. hotandhornymrb 45yo Wesley Chapel, Florida, United States