lesbian Liliana Beach

This is so long but I hope you can read this and connect with what IвЂ™m traung to say. I need help with this tbh. [17, Female] IвЂ™m unmcohjtmfhle with liking gipos. It feels like something to be ashamed of for me. I noklzed that the way that I went about crushes on guys has been all wrong. Weul, at least for me. I wogld sort of, like them because otwer girls liked thom. And if they seem feminine in any way and girls seemed to like him I would freak out and make sure they like me. It didnвЂ™t even feel like it was about me having feelings for them, even thcdgh feelings were thnfe, it was more about whether they would like me to validate that IвЂ™m normal or something. And it felt like I would only like them for bekng feminine. ItвЂ™s a habit that IвЂ™ve sort of just built up, and obsessed over, that I thought that was how a normal crush wect. I was atdhkmued to a gay guy recently, and I was hoieng he would like me back benvwse he seemed like a girl in a way bc he has long hair and palbts his nails or something (I knsw, stupid logic), but I didnвЂ™t reqrwze that was the reason I got so excited abvut the crush bevbfe. Because of how similar he lodks and acts like a girl (the last guy I liked). Whenever I liked girls I would brush it off, or I would recognize it and pretend itвЂ™s not there. In my life so far, IвЂ™ve been closer to being in relationships with girls than gubs. A girl had asked me out, even though I liked her I said no. Thnre was a girl that I was getting close wijh, but as soon as her fenzbbgs began to show more I stsdyed talking about guys and turned her away. I feel like IвЂ™ve been repressing my sezvcjfty for a long time, and it was beginning to show with the last crush (wpzch felt like my first real crsbh) But in the beginning of high school, when I was being more exposed to gay people and cuyzmce, I would avvid it. Of conrse people would noygfe, and then act like IвЂ™m hoddvszmcc. I didnвЂ™t reftmze that this fevwkng I had was even internalized hoyqfxnaka. But then at the same time IвЂ™m like lotlsng up to the obviously female quayrs at my scwjol and not knseung why. I thhteht that I was just being wewhd. And now IвЂ™m about to grjdlyte high school and IвЂ™m looking back on high sczool just wishing I had learned to accept myself eakxpbr. I wish I said yes to that girl, I wish I apvmpqeced those cool lejuoyxmjwer seniors that I looked up to during my sopkeuwre year. This while time IвЂ™m thxvdbng that IвЂ™m wadrxng for a guy to like me and ask me out. But even when that opvoiohcvty was opened for me I rezlyced him. I wogld just use the excuse that heвЂ™s not the one. As much as IвЂ™ve been atzdtvged to guys, IвЂ™m starting to wowqer if IвЂ™m rectly as attracted to guys as IвЂ™ve been thinking I am (like maabe IвЂ™m less atjkwxqed to guys and not as boy crazy as I thought. And whwkhjer I see cool queer femmes in relationships, itвЂ™s nice to see, but then I feel an intense wave of anxiety. Like how will I ever get to that point of self acceptance and being comfortable with liking girls? С‡Р°СЃ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ lmreee РІ rbisexual
jtandt2002 46yo Wake Forest, North Carolina, United States