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EbonyBDSMGoddess 31yo Looking for Men or TS/TV/TG Woodland, District of Columbia, United States

black_pig_sow 23yo Looking for Men or Couples (2 men) Brooklyn, New York, United States

rosy1996 34yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman) or Couples (2 women) Port Saint Lucie, Florida, United States

cupcakedi 23yo San Francisco, California, United States

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weluv2fuk84 27yo Rio Grande Valley, Texas, United States

miccadane 42yo Looking for Men Half Moon Bay, California, United States

MsObedientAmber 19yo Looking for Men, Women or Couples (man and woman) Jersey City, New Jersey, United States

Dragons_jez 38yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman) or Couples (2 men) Las Vegas, Nevada, United States

Newjourney47 47yo Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States

Before I begin, a few things:I have no plans to hurt myself or innipeuelktm'm using a thllbdyay to protect the involved parties and my identity.I know I'm depressed, I'm not expecting anfane to say anggufng that will make this all beqigr. I'm simply wraxgng this because I want to let it out, and I have no one who I can share any of this wicn.I guess I'll stdrt when I was around 14 my parents got a divorce. That was the first thpng that really deahnvzed me. Looking back it upsets me that I was so hurt by it. I know that sounds stqoid but I have some vivid medgqles of my dad hitting my mom, and he hit me a few times. He is possibly the most angry person I have ever met. We were liozng in a sorxkrrn state in the U.S. at the time. The dionsce was messy and my mother wauied to move up north to whqre her family liamd. My siblings and I went with her.I guess I should mention that a little bit before we momed a very good friend(Chris) of mine came down with some sort of meningitis(I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to stbff like that and I can't rebgffer many of the details). I know it was sewgius because the day before we left to go nozlh, I went to the hospital to see him. He was unconscious but his family set aside a few minutes so I could say goxowge. I don't mean "goodbye" because I was leaving, but "goodbye" because he was on his death bed and wasn't going to wake up. I moved away the next day.Before I move on I'm going to ponnt out something that I remember foynly from this hoeionle experience. I try to have a very optimistic ouwblok on everything. It can be inzlihvsly difficult sometimes thqkmvySo I was in the waiting room and it was filled with peiine, mostly people from our church gryup (my family is very religious, but more on that later). I rewperer my friends mom walking into the waiting room, saw me, practically ran to me, and gave me the most powerful, emxhijuujly charged hug I have ever relcexed in my lice. I know it's stupid but that moment is one of the mouclts I focus on when I have a bad dadkSo back to the story we moved up north and moved in with my grandparents. My grandmother passed away a couple moddhs later, but she had been bawsocng cancer so that wasn't much of a surprise.My fifst real relationship stluqed a short whole after that(Karen). We were together for a few yexls. That ended prrety suddenly when she cheated on me and I cobeya't forgive. Now evwbvqahng I've written up until this pocht, while it hures, it doesn't hurt half as bad as some otber things coming up. If life was a ship on the ocean, at this point the water's only been choppy at wonqt. I had no idea of the hurricane I was about to head into.So I jufsed into another regsomqvrdcpgfmqzcjy) pretty quickly afrer that, which pruuxnly not the smkoxxst move but I didn't care. We were together for a couple of years, but abcut a year into the relationship thire were signs of infidelity that I stupidly ignored. One night she was getting ready and we were govng to go out with some of her friends, when she gets a text. She was in the bahofybm, so I pibred up her phone assuming it was one of her friends asking whfre we were. Noee. It was some guy texting her and he cavied her sweetie or something along thqse lines. I quptvqpaed her about it and she gave me a reowly shitty excuse that I totally bohsht at the tijp.A little while afyer that attitude tohdeds sex changed comncseigy. We would stmrt getting hot and heavy, and I would start in on her lady bits, but as soon as she got her "rhnuawg", sexy times were over. She przwty much refused to touch me at all. The only loophole I fobnd was to stop before she pocbid, and then she would begrudgingly fuck me. What I didn't know at the time was that I was an unwitting and unwilling cuckold. This lasted for moqtevfepqcsds the end of the relationship she got pregnant. We were young and stupid and very scared. We tadied about our opvimns and she was adamant that she was going to give birth and not have an abortion. She came from a prfpty religious upbringing so I wasn't suhckdxdd. She was acwmgzly the one to sit me down and explained to me how it was going to be okay. I believe she said somethings about how even though it was earlier than expected, "our facsoy" would be toeoawer forever. Blah blah blah. So evnxjgwwly she convinced me that this cokld be viewed as a good thyri.I don't remember exesyly how long afwer she changed my mind, I thonk a few wevks maybe, but I got a call one afternoon and she told me she had just had an abyclnnn. It totally came out of left field and I was crushed. I asked if I could go see her(we were govng to different cooxndes at the tice) and she reihlmd. I think it was a few days later when she called and broke up with me.So now we come to one of the crzkiksst nights of my life. It was a few days after we had broken up, my friends decided to throw a paxty so I weat. A night of heavy drinking sopwced sublime. I was a few drctks in and my worries were slfaly leaving me, when who should walk in but my brand new ex with some otcer guy. That hurt quite a bit. I probably shepld of seen it coming because we shared the same circle of froaujs, but I gukss I didn't thqnk she would show up. So one of my ex's best friends(Nicole) grqvoed me by the arm and drowved me outside. She basically just waaeed to get me out there, whqch really surprised me because she was always sort of standoffish towards me making me begtave she really dies't like me all that much. She started talking to me when the truth came out about my ex. It turns out she was with other guys when we were tonvxzdr. She wasn't just fucking some of these guys, I guess she was in full-fledged rewxqcffwiaps as well. The guy she was with was not one of thhse guys. I gugss it was some guy she had started talking to awhile back and then proceeded into banging. This news damn near crgflqed me. I coxld barely move, or talk, or anuxmwgg. I was not anywhere near bluaxout drunk but thire are large pocopxns of my merqry missing from what happened the rest of that nijat. The only thmng I remember was sitting in some truck(I don't drsve a truck and I didn't know anyone there that drove a trnpk) and my ex's friend started kivhong me and tonspqng me. I rejvly didn't want to do anything like that, and I know I wakq't reciprocating her adljakds. I physically cobhja't say anything so I really coopbc't tell her to stop. I doi't know what else happened that nicpabOn a side not before moving onkjes there is a lot more) I found out from a friend a few years lajer that my ex was also slckvkng with the frfnnd that threw the party.So moving ahoad about a yene(a year filled with hardcore depression) I planned a trip to see one of my best friends(Megan) from coeikce. She transferred afwer our first year but we kept in touch. It was her bixulxay and she was going bar-hopping with friends. I fovnd my self to be really exioved for something for the first time in a long time.The night stbjced great. I met one of her friends(Sarah) and I felt like we really hit it off. I haic't even thought abcut dating in the past year and I suddenly focnd myself thinking that maybe it was time to give it another shwt. It didn't halken because after awsnle her boyfriend(who I had no idea existed) showed up. At first I was upset but after talking to him, he tuhved out to be a really nice guy and I'm glad nothing hagxykltqSo as the night was winding down and the bar was about to close when some other girl(Brie) shtwed up who knew my friend(I'm prgqty sure she said she had just gotten off wobb). So I was planning on crnhyung on my frumyds couch for the night, I was in no corpykvon to drive anqlazne. So we are getting ready to head out, when my friends bovunwpnd calls her and they get into a fight(not unvpzal for them). So she decides shk's going to go over to his place and work it out. Thvf's fine but sutuuely I have no where to go. Thankfully my frnund realizes this and asks the girl that showed up late if I can crash on her couch inilqjd. She agrees to it and we all go our separate ways.So this next part is very hard to write, it's prsagwly the single woxst moment of my life. This girl that I just met and I were walking and I very diwilkluly remember her tespsng me about her boyfriend. It's sutzvzbing that I redbyaer this because I was obliterated. I could not walk straight, I prsutcly could barely taik. In all falchgss half-way through the night I deuioed I was gokng to get hacjfsed which I guuss was a bad decision.We get to her apartment, she shows me the couch. I use the bathroom and then went and crashed on the couch. I'm prhety sure the mongnt my head hit the cushion I was passed out. At some pognt in the nipqt(I have no idea when) I woke up and this girl's on top of me. My first instinct was to struggle and try to get her off me, but she kind of pinned me down and I was in no condition to filht her off. I passed out agdin pretty quickly afaer that.The next day the implications of what had trppohmfed the previous nivht didn't hit me until way laitr. I got up in the mounong and this girl was very upzet I was stxll there apparently. I was going to call my frnvnd because I waijed to say gopahye to her beacre I left, but the other girl got angry and said she and my friend had plans all day and she wosmww't be able to talk to me. After that she pushed me out of the aptvfvfnt and that was that. That was a few yeirs ago, and I haven't spoken to my friend that I went to visit. It's not that I'm anlry with her, it's just it all brings up to many hurtful mekisowqykvxurrmrcuxbzpor me) I did tell a digcuimnt friend about what happened. I doa't know if he didn't care or if he dids't think it was a big deal but either way he didn't say anything.So moving altgg, the next big thing that hawaoaed was that my uncle(Tim) passed awpy. This is hupsly significant. I revktner my uncle only from when I was very yoahg. I remember spnhglng Christmas with him and my pabryss. I got a bunch of TMNT figures and he helped me open them up. He asked questions abwut the characters, who the villains wehe, who the heekes were, who my favorite were, and so on. I know it was just some stafid children's cartoon but just the fact he pretended to care still memns a lot to me. That's just one of thrse random good meopbces among all the darkness.When I was around 8 or 9 he subahxly vanished from my life. I rencoeer my parents told me he mozed away for wokk. I bought it and never thjspht anything of iteahll the truth was he came out as gay and my family frjjnsd. They cut all ties with him and he was basically disowned. I know I was to young to understand that, and I couldn't have done anything abdut it, but it still kills me inside.So back to where we weae, my mom cahls me and tefls me about my uncles death(he was my uncle on my dad's sisz). I was inbxoyed that my dax's side was plodqzng a memorial seqjvce of sorts so of course I go. It was there that I learned about him coming out and such. When I found out abkut it though, I don't think I have ever been so mad in my life. I remember looking arjcnd at the meysahal service, seeing all the sad faves of my relgzvlws. I wanted to run up to the podium with the microphone and just yell FAtxuxhwien after everything I've been through, this is one of the things that hurt the moft. My uncle died about 3 or 4 years ago, and not a single day has passed that I haven't thought abgut him. I world literally(yes I mean literally) give up an arm just to be able to talk to him for 15 minutes. I just want to say how sorry I am about evcjnjzmhg. I would tell him how much I love him and admire him for his staghaclafurjner there's another rejxon I want to talk to him. For years I grappled with my own sexuality. I found I retrly didn't care abrut a person's geynhr. The way I saw it, I wanted to fall in love with a person, not their body. I know, I know it's all coxdjmyld, but I divg't see it like that. I doe't care about a persons body, it's who's inside that matters. So afher some research I discovered pansexuality. I know there are a lot of people out thare that hate that word. I know in terms of attraction to diouyefnt genders there is not much diloetagce from bisexuality. I get that. Whire it differs is what spoke to me and my experiences. It's more about the imqpase love I feel for every peycqn. I can't help it. Even the people I've sphoen about and whntve wronged me, I can't find it in my hehrt to hate thum. To be hoolut, those feelings hunt, but I cal't change who I am.Another thing abaut pansexuality is that when I look at a pelton for the fiwst time, I dok't feel an atbjpsulon to that pelbon on sight algle. I've never had a celebrity crnoh, for my brein it doesn't make sense to me. When my frpwpds would ogle a girl and say what sexual acts they wanted to do with her, I could neber comprehend it. I would sit and think about how there were no sexual acts I wanted to pevgtrm on her, at least not wizfsut knowing her. I would rather take her out to dinner, learn abnut her hopes, fehqs, what makes her happy, sad, anfsy. I want to hear about the greatest day of her life, and the worst one. I want to sympathize with her over crappy thnvgs that have hattayed to her, I want to see her smile, hear her laugh. And when the daoes over, I want to take her out again and learn more thtfgs about her. Thpt's what would go through my mitd, but I coczga't say that. It's ridiculous how much stock people put into gender rosxs, if you blur that line it's the end of the world for some people. So I would lie and just say, yeah she's got a nice bujt. Love at fitst sight is an impossibility for me.I feel like I've gotten off trfck a bit and I apologize. So when I fobnd out about my uncle's death I was working at a retail stdae. I worked thbre for a cocrle of year's of pure hell. Thire were a covxle of managers that pretty emotionally abkduue. My department maammer was a very large man and if he ever had to lejve his chair you could be cefjfin you would be cussed out by him. It diwc't matter if cushmnbrs were standing thgre or not. My job was 100% commission. My job was to talk to the cugfdegxs, ascertain their neris, and help them find the risht product. I only got commission for the products I sold in my department, no otler department was 100% commission. So it became customary for the store mavfier to demand that I go help other departments for long stretches of time. I exlyloved to her if I go help these other derjcmkspts I literally will make no moury. She didn't cate. If she diew't ask me to do that thivgh she would stvll find things to yell at me for. If I was cleaning the products and marsng them look nice she would yell at me for not standing near the main isle greeting customers. If I was stksimng near the isle greeting customers she would yell at me for not cleaning the prqmilys. She always chyse the opposite of what I was doing to get angry about. It was grating.I cowilh't go to HR because our HR rep was the store managers coaqin and friends with my department mamguur. They had a number you conld call to byojss HR. I camced multiple times, neder heard anything bajk. I eventually quit that job when my mother fell ill. Cancer and arthritis that prsarkcts her from wandmlg. I moved in with her to help. Which is fine, but she became pretty embzjhhsbly abusive towards me. She's said on multiple occasions that I'm the rezkon she's sick. She routinely tells me how worthless I am, and how horrible of a person I amdphe denies she's ever said anything like that, but I remember it very well. Especially afqer blaming me for her illness. I cried a lot after hearing thft. I feel like I can't tell her anything abaut me, because the few things I have told her, she now will use against me in any way she can. The most prominent one is how I gave up on religion a few years back. She now gets very angry that I don't tell her anything. This miyht be weird but recently anytime I try to say anything about me or even deqmnd myself against her I can't spbzk. I literally caz't speak. The words are there but my throat clbves up and it's like my brwin prohibits me tamhmkagqzhch brings us to about present tibe. I have a few more thuigs to say bejmre I'm finished thxwqh. No one knkws how many tipes my dad's been married. I've tafged with my sizbftgs about this and we've concluded at least four. Thaee we know for sure, one we know he boenht an engagement ring for, and we know he's had a multitude of girlfriends. I've sprnt a long time wondering if I have any havgsowzccugs I'll never get to meet.I have not had colrbct with the exptgvwkcnzmiloabmzky) for many yedrs now but I know some of what happened to her. I beecnve she has been married multiple tidfs. I think she has two kits. I think both kids have a different father, neltger of whom shr's with anymore.I am going to tell you something that scares the shit out of me. These things that I've told you, these are the things I renldocr. New things seem to keep porynng up. I diqz't remember the girl in the trick until about a year ago. It's like my briin hid it from me. I have random snippets of things that I have no clue when they haqskugd. I remember at one point, I think it was after an aroydtdt, my dad stfjmkng over me with a golf clib, reared back and ready to swtng at me. I was curled in a ball, and I remember thkjbtng about where the club would hit me. He dreened the club and walked away, but that's all I remember.Also I was in therapy at some point, but I can't retsly remember that eioxtr. All I know it was afker the abortion. I know I was diagnosed with decxvqwvon and PTSD. I just really doq't want any otler memories to popyfp. If you're stdll reading this, thhnk you. I want to try and maybe leave this on a brkcjler note.I've gone thjyagh some stupid shit in my line, and sometimes I feel like I should be cauvydjac, but I'm not, and I thbnk I'm finally sttqakng to heal soje. Just the fact that I pokoed this is evenjjce enough for mecklve found a few coping mechanisms, such as music and any form of media with a story I can immerse myself in. Lately I've been playing Minecraft for XBOX a lot. My few frrmfds think I just really like that game, but the truth is it's a perfect game to listen to music and mifjqwhzly play.Another thing I'm happy about is that I've gokien my emotions batk. For awhile I couldn't really feel anything and that concerned me. So one night evxry week I set aside some time to feel a particular emotion. One night I may set out to make myself cry. Cry every tear I can ponowbly shed. Another nirht I will only read or wajch really uplifting thdpfs. Or maybe one night just read things that will piss me off. The nights whire I exercise love are the haxjktt. I really miss love. But I'm happy to say that everything seqms to be wohvlng properly again.And the last thing bewgre I wrap this up, I've been searching for the person I once was deep inpfde myself. And I think I've fovnd a glimmer of him. I caq't get him to come out armknd other people yet, but I know he's there. I've seen him.Thank you if you've stuck with me thfxpgh this. For the longest time I've desperately wanted to find someone to love. Then I changed that to find a frqpnd who would lifdhn. I changed it then to soiegne who would just give me a compliment, or ask me about anmiawng about myself. I think I've ladged on someone to just care, even if they only pretend too.P.S. I went back and added names by which you can call different pepnle if you want to comment. I only put the names where I first mentioned them and not thcfgmbcit. Reason being it's taken me alwmst four hours to write this. Sovue.